As you all know, I'm in pretty good with the Capcom International development studio located in New York; it's Capcom Japan's home away from home and all.
This group is simply astonishing, with their work reaching far into the future of many franchises.
Various someday-to-be tidbits of Megaman Legends, X, and others. Devil May Cry is going to continue on its crazy ways up until what looked to be the tenth game. Brilliant stuff.

But one of my key interests was in the Resident Evil series. I'm quite fond of shooting zombies big and small, so of course I took an opportunity to stop by Capcom International a few weeks ago.

 

And for your information, my dear readers, I didn't report about it until now because you lot are simply running me ragged on this webcomic deal. Shucks, folks. I'm glad you love it so much, but I'm of a mind to take another long break; my hands hurt after all the work I've put into it lately.

 

Back to the point, I recently had a chance to visit with one of their computers while they were outside waiting for the fire alarm to stop.
A short taped interview took place. However, it was damaged in the fire.

Anyways, I did manage to swipe some artwork of Resident Evil 6 (or so, I guess) and enough information to write up some informative descriptions of what you are seeing.
Ready? GO.

 

 

Jake Redfield

This is the main character, Jake Redfield. He is Chris Redfield's long-lost brother. We don't find this out until the end of the game.
Jake is a risk-taking goofball with a serious side when it comes to the ladies. He likes dinner and dancing, and spitting at zombies from the helicopter in that awesome fight scene after the military base.
The preceding paragraph contained spoilers.

 

Unnamed main bad guy

The main bad guy is actually never named throughout the game, but there's a few hints dropped that he's actually a clone of Wesker's old friend, Jim.
He's a scientist gone bad, and has injected himself with the AxE Virus.
Or so he thought. During an interactive cutscene before one of the endings, Jake can replace his viral canister with an aerosol can of Axe body spray. This foils the guy's plans alright, but makes him the hottest man in the world.
After the credits, Jake is said to never get laid because all the chicks dig Jim's clone; thus he is never able to have a child of his own.
This is known as the bad ending.

 

 

The Dongdangler

This is one of the all-new mutants in the game: the dongdangler.
As you can see, it has--

Well, moving on.

 

 

However...

One of the common mutants makes an appearance as a boss in this game: the zombie.
In previous games, the zombies were simple fodder. In Resident Evil 6 (or so), every zombie you see is as strong and hard to kill as any tyrant in the previous games.
Also, when you kill them, they turn into tyrants.
The game has an unprecedented level of difficulty. Why, the screenshots alone fill me with such incredible rage and frustration that I've about broken my fist on this desk.

 

Tits

This is the female lead character sidekick ho-bag. There was no name associated with her file other than "Tits".
I assume the name is shorthand for a full name like "Tita" or "Titania". But that's just speculation on my part; don't quote me.
Very little information given on her other than that she's a failed umbrella test subject, immune to any virus.
Actually, I guess that's pretty important information -- but only if you give a damn about the story.
I just want to kill zombies, lady.

 

General Hauser

In some lame-sounding but totally awesome twist, a man calling himself General Hauser appears on the scene mid-game. Stepping out from a great blinding light, he tears open a portal in time and flings Jake into the future, where his evil is law.
You must then seek to return to the past and undo the future that is General Hauser.
Too bad it's a simple fetch side quest at best.
And totally a rip-off of Terminator.

 

 

That's about all I need to post I guess. There's a lot of storyline, stage, and weapon-related art here I'm sure you guys will easily pass on. I'll just toss it in the fire to get rid of the evidence.

 

 

And if anybody starts asking questions, I'm just some psycho who made all this stuff up in Paint.
Don't want any trouble.

Just a very brief update for you, before I venture into the ancient catacombs below Emperor Vasotz's palace -- 

 

As you all well know, Halo 3 was released yesterday; I'm not a fan of the series or genre, so I won't be partaking.

In other news, I seem to be under attack.

 

Blah blah something-about-the-comic-I-was-doing-and-how-I'll-totally-get-a-strip-done-sometime-soon blah blah.

As you all know, I'd a wealthy uncle. This is how I acquired a fair portion of my fortune.

I've spent that last few months rebuilding using much of this money, as I do believe I am quite safe to come out of total hiding.

Van Telles and his armies are nowhere to be found, leaving me to assume he has left to pursue other, much wealthier targets. Even if he learns of my survival, he will surely not dare attack me.

 

Why?

 

Oh, only because I have encased my entire body in golden armor.

(think Iron Man, only more gold, less iron, more man)

 

That nitwit  is completely in love with gold. At most, he'd merely have me stolen and added to his notoriously lame collection of golden crafts.

The armor though -- it is quite heavy.

Hot too.

And oh lord, how it rides up...

 

 

In any case, I'll get that stupid layabout to draw up a comic sometime soon; he claims to be busy painting the corridors as per my whining, but there's no reason he can't multitask. If he needs to be in two places at once, he had damn well better get started crafting a duplicator; I had once read in the paper that a mere six-year old child made one out of a cardboard box, so it can't be all that difficult.

I take too much guff from members of my employ; I believe some spankings are in order.

I've simply got to keep all you fans off my back, lest you get bored and rambunctious. I'll not have a riot on my property.

 

Not before I've installed attack dog-launchers to my outer walls.

 

 

Note to self -- install the launchers and begin sending out housewarming invites.

 

Disaster!

Upon returning home from Fantasy Island, I found my house burned to the ground! All my work, my possessions, my Armando... all entirely reduced to ashes!

Only a small area of my sub-basement survived the blaze; I still have a crummy laptop, a working outlet, and a wavering cable line. I might not be able to get this message through, but I will try.

 

All I know is that this was some sort of attempt on my life. Searching the area, I found several signs of that bastard Van Telles' armies; cannon tracks leading to and from the southern woods, as well as a forgotten fire-spear beside my famous rock formation depicting a small group of wisemen reaching to grasp a pile of rocks.

 

That fool will surely return when he learns of my return. I must quickly take whatever I and my Fantasy Island guest can carry and find a temporary place to reside.

I will then have to spend the next while planning some sort of counterattack. I was thinking something along the lines of a flaming bag of feces on the doorstep, but I realized that was much too small -- I require a blimp full of feces to place not on his doorstep, but in the very bed in which he sleeps.

Or some such thing. I am distracted by the rising water and cannot concentrate.

 

Until such a time that I become available for such things, my guest will take over the webcomic duties. Don't you worry about a thing; I'll give him a list of tasks and detailed instructions as to how to act as much like me as possible. You surely won't notice the difference!

 

But for now, we are off to find a hideout.

..I hope it has a toilet.

Burn in hell, Taco Bell.

 

Here's my review for the new Wii (also soon to be Gamecube) game,

Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess!

 

 

Actually, I'm running late on delivering this shipment of cocaine to a certain Japanese drug cartel (you know the one), so I'll keep it short and sweet... but mostly short as I've used the last of my sugar to fill out the cocaine bags.

Besides, we all know to nevermind the actual content in reviews; always rely only on their scores!

 

Like what happened in response to Jeff Gurstmann's always extremely valuable opinion, which is forever far more important than what you think no matter who you are! Trust me on this one, I read a book.

 

The reader response over at Gamespot went just perfectly.

 

Anyways, my final score nobody asked for...

 

 

 

So, I will now go deliver this cocaine to a certain Japanese drug cartel (you know the one).

However, in response to my score and as an act of contrition, I will deliver the cocaine without ever using the letter e.

So you may imagine I'll say things like, "Hay guys. Hair's yur cocaina. Giv my da cash."

 

I hope they understand badly spelled English.

 

PS: http://zeldatpgreat.ytmnd.com/

Alright, dear readers. I'm going to have to confess something.
I can't live with this weighing down on my conscience any longer.

 

I think it's pretty obvious, to some people anyway, that I've attempted to deceive you, my readers. I find the actions I've made here unacceptable.
The short of it is... I've lied in my E3 coverage, and I am very much sorry.

 

No, I was not coerced into this apology in any way. I am genuinely apologetic for trying to have you believe I was being chased around by Ron Aarens.
The truth of it is Ron Aarens couldn't make this year's E3 because I let the air out of his tires (and stabbed his spare), let the air out of the tires at the bus station, and completely removed/stole the tires at the local taxi garage. I did these things so as to prevent Ron Aarens from getting to E3.
I did this because I hate him; I guess a small, confused part of me regretted these actions, but that's besides my main point here.

 

 

Allow me to make a few amendments, and explain myself further.

 

On day 2 --
When I said someone said my name in his high pitched tone, it was a bouncer, and in regular tone. And he was actually just chasing me out the door.

 

On day 3 --
Of course, it's a ridiculous lie that I got back into E3 when Ron Aarens said "I was with him." The bouncers would never accept this.
Just to add a bit of drama, I made that up. What actually happened was I timed my run at the door with a flash bomb a Naruto cosplayer had thrown in protest.
Ron never told me that they had shown teasers and previews on the big screens. Some lonely guy had been following me all the way from the doors, saying as much.

I hid from him in a theater room of some sort. The man in the seat to my right, who wasn't Ron Aarens, was the one taking many notes.

 

I was later caught without ID and tossed out. Ron Aarens could not have allowed me reentry, only because he was never there in the first place.

 

 

There. Glad to have that off my chest. Once again, I apologize very hard at my readers, especially to the few that truly looked forward to reading honest and full reports by an average Joe who evaded the door guards each time with little difficulty.

 

I am sorry.

 

 

Not to Ron though. He's still a dumbass.

Well, the last few days have been a bust. I've never been more bored in my life.
But I will make up for the lack of decent reporting right now!

 

See, I have access to a super secret fourth day of E3. Sure, they're disassembling all the booths and packing up the last of the media equipment, but I'm going to give you what no other reporter ever has -- a genuine fourth day of the expo!

 

I wasn't allowed to take pictures, seeing as doing so without a camera is physically impossible, but I have some quick sketches done in MS Paint about what I saw today.

 

Here you have them!

Here's a shot of the Day 4 parking lot. Pretty sweet.

 

 

Some weird Day 4 guy told me to leave the area. I know there's no solid evidence of it, but I swear he actually looks like that.
Ugliest damned shirt in the world.

 

 

Here's a game shown only on Day 4 called "Blue Sky". You can play as an airplane or sunbeam to collect clouds or something. Hopefully they improve it a bit before it is released whenever.

 

Well, that's all. What a fantastic day, certainly making up for the lack of -everything- for the past three days.

It's about time I went back home now.

Tune in next year for another three (or four) days of E3!

So I got back to the E3 building very late. I HAD to get some freaking food so I went all the way out of town to some diner. I also did what some kids call a "dine 'n dash" on account of my limited (stolen) budget.
I knew those midgets weren't just being frisky.
I was about to regret stealing food but then the diner manager starting swearing. I tell you, I could hear it from a block away. What a rude man.
Oh well. When he reads this report, I'm sure he'll someday track me down to apologize for his misbehavior. His was a necessary, though watery and gristly, sacrifice.

 

Well, I couldn't sneak in this time. As I typed all that, I was waiting in a short line at the doors. You definitely need ID this time, as some pack of kids apparently tried to rush in earlier; chances are that it was actually another pack of damned cosplayers.
It wasn't any of YOU out there, my readers, was it? If so, go to hell. Now I can't get in anymore.
This is lame.

 

Hell yes. I was called in by someone who said I was with him.
AW DAMN IT. It was Ron Aarens.
I guess I'm going to have to ditch him later.

 

Folks, he's telling me I missed a lot today. A lot of the booths were fixed (but are now broken again), they showed several big-name teasers and previews on the big screens around there -- what a crock. Be quiet, Ron.
He's leading me to an area where they're doing a late unveiling of a secret game. I was forced into the room so quickly that I could not see who was doing it.
And Ron had me looking at his piece of crap laptop so I missed the logo on the big screen.
I have to turn my computer off. I cannot take pictures. Whatever.

 

Okay, so I just ditched Ron. I watched and waited for the perfect moment to run out of the room. While he was taking huge detailed notes about whatever was appearing on screen, I escaped.
I don't imagine it was very important.

 

Alright, let's do some reporting.
Sweet, Metal Gear Solid 4 preview. Kind of far. I'll jog a little.
Figures! The moment I got here, the damned projector literally exploded. Not a huge one but it did send a fair amount of plastic shrapnel all over the place.
Damn, that was loud. And lame. I wanted some minor info like games to report about to fill out the daily report a bit more.

 

I hate E3. Since I wasn't with Ron, I didn't have an ID so I was evicted again.
And I don't suppose he'll be back to the front doors of the place to get me back in, seeing as I ditched him in that theater.
I'm going to go find a dumpster to sleep in. Who cares anymore?
This E3 is turning out to be a huge borefest. Nothing ever happens around here! What the hell do the other reporters do all day?
Screw it. Just to have SOMETHING, I'm interviewing one of the bouncers.

 

His name is Sam.
Me: Hello, Sam. I'm Gauphastus. I have a blog.
Sam: Good for you.. whatever-your-name-is.
Me: Gauphastus, I said.
Sam: ... yeah.
Me: So, what do you think about E3?
Sam: I don't really care. Why else would I be out front all day?
Me: I'm asking the questions here. Please don't do that.
Sam: ... uh huh.
Me: So, do you play video games at all?
Sam: Of course, play them all the time.
Me: Yet you don't care about E3?
Sam: E3 is just a big heaping horde of bored fat people with blogs that nobody reads.
Me: I'm not fat. Does that mean people will read mine?
Sam: Fat chance.
Me: Thank you, Sam.

 

 

That's it for today. I'll likely spend the next several hours looking for a place to rest.

Tune in tomorrow for my fourth day at E3!

 

Alright, so I simply had to get rid of that smell. I snuck into a hotel during all the confusion that was going on at the moment (I heard someone say something like "He's following me! He's following me all over again!")
Who the hell knows what goes on out here? I sure don't, as this is my first time to E3. And probably my first time in a hotel.

 

Yeah, so... I snuck into a hotel. I got upstairs to the third floor and crept around trying the doors. The doors appeared to use keycards, but nothing stops a good old fashioned kick to the knob.
After stealing his key, I entered and dragged him behind. He was in an intense daze of pain so I left him to rest in the closet.
Showered, slept, and escaped via bedsheet descent from the balcony.

 

Once again, entry to the expo was easy seeing as nobody was actually at the doors last time. My guess is that they were running off more cosplayers. Man, those things are everywhere these days.

 

So here I am once again, updating/reporting to you live-ish from E3.
For those that emailed me last time claiming I'm not actually at E3... well, I'm not going to argue with you on that one. Telling you where I am specifically would reveal the location, and as I said before, I don't want my cover blown when jealous fools like you approach the building.
They'd definitely get the bouncers off their asses for that one.

 

I'll skip a bunch of boring stuff (bunch of mostly naked women, Squaresoft section, Capcom section, some crazy guy talking about his favorite controller of all time, and a very large pack of wolves) and cut right to where I am now -- talking to Will Wight!

 

...

 

Alright then, here's another quick interview for you.

 

 

Two guys from inside the room came and tossed me out the door, making sure to lock it this time. How was I to know that entering random areas of the building was frowned upon?

 

One thing I noticed about this place is that there are, besides overweight men in their forties, an -awful- lot of people wearing leather jackets.
And the women around here need to wear a little more clothing.

 

I was wandering around aimlessly for a while there. I drew a quick picture in paint about something I should have mentioned earlier.

 

That's an unusual rule for a place that has a fair share of smoking, overheated, out-of-order game stations. I'd rather everyone be smoking and chatting than wrecking everything before I get there, damn it.

 

As I pass by all these lame, derivative racing/fighting/shooter/horror/sci-fi games that don't work, not that I care, I'm reminded of the previous day.
I've been everywhere already. And I'm bored.
Sure, there are big presentations going on somewhere, but every time I try to enter a room, someone is having a private interview. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough.

 

Ah, I finally got to play a game. Unfortunately, I only got to play for five minutes because some guy walked up and unplugged the TV. "This station is out of order. Don't remove the sign, do not plug the unit back in." shaking his finger in my face.
I told him it was like that when I got there but he didn't believe me.
In any case, the game was called Finally Fatnasty or something. Who cares anymore?
I'm getting tired. And I forgot to mention that I didn't eat anything yesterday, or this afternoon, on account of all the overweight men in the area plugging up all the local eateries.

 

Okay, here we go. I'm playing a game right now. The section here is very poorly lit, but I managed to find a computer in the darkness.
Actually, nobody seems to be around. These games must be so popular, everyone played already and went to do something else.
It's a PC game called "Solitaire." I've never heard of this before. You move cards of alternating suit color in exact descending or ascending numeric order on top of each other to make a full stack, from the King to 1.
Interesting, but not very good graphics.
Two guys with a camera just hopped over the rope too. Maybe I discovered something big.

 

I was apparently just interviewed.
It went something very close to this --
Me: Hello there. Is that thing on?
GWM (guy with microphone): Hiya. You're playing solitaire?
Me: Yeah, I wanted to see why this area was all blocked off.
GWM: (turning to camera) Here's a man in the midst of the latest and greatest games taking time out for even something as simple as a round of solitaire. (turning back to me) How do you feel about E3 so far?
Me: It's very... well, by an average of what I've seen, I'd call it the fattest and/or most malfunct expo I've been to. And I've been to some expos in my time.
GWM: Yeah... yeah, you'd be right about that.
Me: Why are you over here anyway?
GWM: We just got fired so I'm wasting the rest of the film.
Me: Ah.

 

After more inane jabbering, he collapsed to the ground and started sobbing while his cameraman started tearing up the joint, tossing chairs and such.
I snuck off to the bathroom to get another drink, and continued on my search for something that was actually interesting.
I'm sure you folks don't care too much about all the games here because you'll likely end up playing them anyway. Why should you need information before they are released? That way you are always surprised when you blindly buy a game you know little to nothing about!
Loads of fun in that.

 

Looking around...

 

Oh shoot, I've got to leave. Someone just said my name in his usual high-pitched, annoying tone. Nobody knows I'm here, but if I for whatever reason run into someone I know, that could blow my cover.
Damn, I know exactly who it is now. Some wannabe-a-reporter guy with some blog nobody reads: Ron Aarens.
Gotta get the hell out. Not only do I not want to attract attention with his yelling my name, but also I hate him.
Time to get some exercise.

 

Wow, those fat men are easy to topple. There was one skinny guy that I was sure I was going to have trouble with, but he got taken down by a fat guy I pushed at the top of the stairs who had started rolling down. It was pretty funny, despite seeing the man's legs bend in a really wrong way.
So I've retreated to the outside.
I'm heading to another hotel to see if I can borrow someone's room again.

 

Until tomorrow, folks! Stay tuned for Day 3 at E3!

Alright, time to get this going, starting with a little story of how this trip came to be --

Note that I couldn't update live, so I just edited the article document as I went along. Two-line gaps between certain paragraphs indicate that an amount of time has passed.

Enjoyer.

 

 

**********

 

 

I received a mysterious email a little while ago. For those that still live in the dark ages and yet doubt the existence of email or mystery, I'll quote you the important part --

 

"
Take a Trip to E3!

Would you like to go to E3?
"

 

The rest was random gibberish or German.
So, I replied with my consent, that "Yes." I would like to go to E3. There was no contract or conditions of any sort, so I do believe that my giving myself permission to go to E3 allowed me passage and entry.

 

And here I am. I'll not tell you how I got here. I understand it is closed to the public, and the best way to prevent it from being swarmed by mobs of non-journalists types like myself is to keep it secret. I want to remain inconspicuous!
Entry was easier than has never been reported. I actually walked right in through the front doors. All six or ten 'bouncer' type guys were tackling someone cosplaying as Mario to the ground at the time.
Looked kind of gay.

 

Moving on, it's pretty empty right now, maybe fifteen people in this washroom alone. When I enter the main floor, it's all cluttered with games and such.

 

When

 

EDIT: Alright, so some very large man was nice enough to explain a few things to me as he eavesdropped on my typing the above. I now know that I'm supposed to be out in the main floor area, the best plan being to gather as much information as I possibly could and report it on my website.
When my popularity spikes for that brief time, sell t-shirts. Instant millions.

 

Since I don't actually have a -real- website, I won't be making millions... but who needs millions? I'm at E3! I may even die a happy man, but the odds are my trip to E3 will someday be topped in my lifetime.
Who can tell?

 

Yes, I suppose you folks are wondering when the hell I'm going to start doing some actual reporting. For your information, as I type this, I am in the main floor right now.
This place is simply saturated with noise and lights. The cieling is very high.
And hey, there are booths everywhere! I love booths!

 

Okay, I'm going to have an interview with this guy standing right here. He says his name is Allen Fi-something and he's not actually part of the booth he was near -- he was just waiting for someone.
Man, this is boring. Next person I meet simply must be someone important. I think I'll spend the next little while wandering around and studying the area so as to make the best decisions.

 

I just got into a bit of a scuffle with another very large man. My laptop is raised up in front of me, supported by two poles from this special belt I'm wearing. I also mounted what is called a "cowcatcher" on the top so as to better plow the crowds aside.
Evidently this man did not take subtly being called a cow very well. With his hefty arms, he tossed the cowcatcher aside, injuring the few people in line for the Ubisoft booth.
We grappled, but I prevailed when he had what looked like a heart attack and fell to the floor.
Stepping over his body, I continued forward.

 

I suppose, judging by pictures you may have seen, that this place looks like a lot like an arcade. Well, it's not. I see very few gamecenters, but I see a damn lot of these booths, with their stages and props, taking up really excessive amounts of space that could be used for water fountains or burger wagons.
I'm really hungry and thirsty. I'm going to wade my way back to the washroom and drink from the faucet in there.

 

A half-hour later, I have moved onward to new territory. And I believe someone is talking to me...
Why, it's none other than that bald guy who was in a lot of XBox commercials a few years back.
Let's do a quick interview --

 

Here's how it went.
G: You're blocking the door. Move please.
Me: Why, it's none other than that bald guy who was in a lot of XBox commercials a few years back.
G: What? I'm G Allard. (something unintelligible) and lieutenant times.
Me: I honestly have no idea about most of what you just said, but thanks for being with us tonight, G.
G: Jay! Jay!
Me: Uh.. alright then.

 

That was great! My hair is on end and my heart is racing! I had my very first interview!
I bet you guys are eating this up. This is great.

 

Well then, see you tomorrow. I think I've done quite enough work today; squeezing through all these overweight men has made me very greasy and smelling like many unbathed dogs. I'm off to take a shower and go to bed at yet unknown accomodations.
Remember, tomorrow is another day... at E3!

 

I like to think that when I order food I should get it instantly, and it should taste exactly the way I want it to, no matter what it is.
If I demand a beefy steak and hash brown dinner that tastes of chocolate and maple syrup, it must be at my lapseat posthaste, with not the slightest evidence that chocolate or maple tree blood were involved in the cooking.

 

What I want is what I get, and it had damn well be lightning fast or I will sadly end my day with bruised knuckles because someone's face was in the way.

 

Take Armando for example (while I do not feel I should have to explain myself any further than I already have, I will anyway because I command it.)

Armando is my chef. I do not care what country he is from. I do not care how long he studied to become my chef.

The only thing I need from him is food, and he has done that very well for me for many a yar.

But recently, I noticed he was acting strangely. His diction was different, his posture changed, and his silly accent had vanished. Instead of the usual chef's uniform I tailored for him myself (I drew the original sketches using only my elbow!), he wore the chef's uniform... with a bowler hat.

 

How dare he remove the chef's hat? I hadn't made him one yet because they're tricky to draw, but it's the thought that truly counts.

I couldn't have my best and only chef acting in such a manner.

 

I approached him one night, crossbow in hand. I asked him to remove the hat and he refused.

So I shot it off, bolting it to the refridgerator door.

This upset him. He stepped up to me and, grabbing a strange suitcase from the counter, shouted for all the world to hear.

 

I couldn't believe what I was hearing! Only after he opened the suitcase and displayed what could have been as many as twenty-three small bottles of liquid 'fecal lightener' did I realize what had happened to him:

my chef had turned into a salesman!

 

A lousy salesman in my house? Not in my house, you don't.

 

I went to load the crossbow for another shot, but then I remembered I like to carry only one at a time to keep my pockets from sagging.

He advanced on me with offers and deals I could only have come up in my worst of nightmares.

 

I had no idea how to stop such an assault -- when I suddenly came up with a brilliant plan.

 

It worked out exceptionally well, as all my plans do. Some say I have a sixth sense for telling bad plans from brillant ones.

Armando returned to normal, and I have all the food I can eat.

Sometimes when I'm bored I order food for no reason, even when I'm not hungry.

Just to keep him on his toes.

It really is completely unbelievable!! I leave for two weeks for a little vacation from overworking on my blog, during which IT happened.

 

This was surely a life-altering experience, both for me and for you, my readers. When I explain what happened, you will surely be changed for life. (but not 'scarred' though, it's a perfectly safe read.) Of course, you will need to tell everyone you know about this place. Eventually, everyone will read my post about this once-in-a-lifetime, incredibly shocking experience, and I insist upon it. The entire world must know what had happened.

 

 

Here we go now. Brace yourselves well.

 

 

Alright, I was just about to

 

***hold on a sec. I need to go help my friend through the basement window.

Speaking of two weeks, in two weeks the fourth installment of the Elder Scrolls series will be installed. Its subtitle is Oblivion, which makes sense because part of the main quest involves you entering "Oblivion gates", crazy red portals that lead to their messed up version of Hell.

There has intentionally been no info released for what's on the other side of Oblivion gates, which really bugs the crap out of me. What right to those dimwits at Bethesda have to prevent folks like me from seeing every single facet, plot point, feature and function about their upcoming game before I've even played it?

They've spoiled everything else, so what the hell? I mean... what the Oblivion.

 

Am I the only one who's simply going to end up avoiding this game like the plague until everyone shuts up about it?

I heard this one podcast, GamerAndy's, and in the midst of their interrupting and swearing at each other, one of them finally got a full few sentences out. So Andy is a reporter and got to play, and were giving their preview. He spoke of a few things about what he did with his character.

He left town, and went over to this pirate ship. Despite the warning of a hag by the entrance, he boarded. He was then attacked and chased into town by a pack of     -get this-     pirates.

Pirates??

Yes, pirates!!

That's one of the stupidest obstructions to prevent you from entering an area that I've heard yet. Hey, let's make a game with boats but not let anyone on them. How will we do that?

No thanks, keep your fancy game of the future.

I enjoy sailing, or at least, I enjoy entering private areas with no permission with a warning sign (hag) out front that tells me I shouldn't enter -- and if I can't hang out there all I want, I don't want to play at all. The day I don't get to board a ship anytime I want is the day I quit games for good, and I'm not quitting because some dimwit designer decided it was in Bethesda's best interest to secure random areas of the world with pirate-cades.

Lame. I'm not sorry to say it -- you fail at making games, again.

 

Now everyone will read this and feel the exact same way I do, and your game won't sell unless you fix this clearly huge problem.

But then again, it doesn't matter if you fix it because I already failed you.

When I see Elder Scrolls V over the next eight years, or however long you slugs take to make it, I had better not hear anything stupid like this again.

 

Man.

 

So, I was walking around Downtown today. Really, there is actually a town called Downtown. Or maybe I'm the only one who calls it that, but anyway, I was walking around it.

I mean literally around the outside border of the town, when I noticed something... there are only two roads, one leading east, and the other one leading north but veering off in such a way that it eventually joins the east road, making it entirely pointless.

 

I was just wondering something -- why in the hell are so many people here, but no traffic on the two (well, one) road we have? Where in the hell are they coming from?

Are these morons within town, my neighbors and such, all procreating so fast that we don't even need new folks to move in?

Oh, wait. We have a subway. You know, for years I thought the entrance was some hole where people went to gamble and place bets on chicken-based deathmatches (some folks call them "cockfights"). Or so this is what I was told by my parents.

They're both dead now, by the way. A lovely thing. I have to say that I'm quite glad they were struck and fried to death by lighting at the same time, so I didn't have to spend the next few years or so listening to a survivor whine and moan.

 

...

 

Where was I?

Oh, right. I'm typing so I can look above to check. Moronic.

So, the issues: tons of people, nobody ever coming in from outside (save from the chicken hole) = does not make any damn sense.

So, the way I see it, we may as well have a wall so that

A: I keep the town from being further overpopulated by preventing outsiders from entering.

B: I build the wall from the outside, and prevent anyone inside the the walls from escaping.

Then in twenty years, I will re-enter the then desolate and empty city and take my rightful place as mayor for no reason.

I had been planning with a contracting company a few years ago, brainstorming and all that. Geoff, the vice of the company (read: the vice, not president. IE he sucks) tells me that the least expensive option would naturally be to not build a fence at all and just move. As fate would have it, he was one day talking to my father and mother for a time, accusing me of throwing stones to damage his car. Where the hell would I get stones, you idiot? I used a hammer. Get it right.

Then the lightning hit, curing me of this problem. Well, problems.

 

But back to the wall -- since the contracting company Geoff ran went ass up without his leadership (swindling), and seeing as I'm too bored to look into any other options, I'll have to build this wall by myself. I would be able to pay some of the neighborhood kids to help had I not already spent most of my money on an industrial-sized bucket of itching powder to dump on some of the neighborhood kids.

I figure I'll just steal the old electric fence from the warehouse downtown. Note that I actually mean the downtown part of Downtown.

What a dump.

Downtown I mean.

 

 

I'll be back later with a progress report.